beauty healthy happy
14 Mar
Your opinion of the beginning of my book please?
There was the familiar sounds of people chatting idly, occasionally broken by the guys shouting in approval or anger at whatever game was playing on the TV. The walls were plain, and some upbeat 50s song was making white noise in the background of peoples’ laughter and conversations. And as always, a level cover of some form of smoke drifted through the air, giving the place itself a hazy look.
And there I sat, on one of the run down stools, absentmindedly tracing the rim of my wine glass with the tip of my black gloved finger. The bartender stood a little ways off. Some old guy with nasty sideburns, but a nice smile to make up for it. I personally didn’t care how he looked or how jolly he was. Just so long as he didn’t kick my underage *** out.
Not that I was really drinking, I admit. No, I was just sitting, first glass still in hand, only half empty. Ripped jeans, converse, and my usual long sleeved violet top. Nothing special.
But I was finding it damn near impossible to pass for nonchalant.
I couldn’t exactly blame them for staring. I mean, some gothic girl with ghost pale skin and two colored hair is bound to look a bit out of place. They could just be more subtle about it, ya know?
I sighed, pushing some of my purple bangs behind my ear where it rested with the rest of my night black hair. I’ll just keep my cool, relax as long as I could and get the hell out of there.
Right. Like anything is ever that simple for me.
Either way, some terrible high-pitched noise threw me off for a second, but when I turned all that was there was some blond bimbo, tequila glass in hand and laughing like an idiot.
I almost felt bad for her, seeing the guy who eagerly got up to ‘help her get home safe’, but I shrugged it off. Not my problem if some skank who couldn’t hold her liquor decided to go out and drink like a fish. You’d think people would learn!
So the girl left with the guy (most likely going to get a nasty surprise in a month or so after she wakes up with a hangover. Idiot.) and I went back to just staring at my own drink, debating whether or not just to leave now or wait. I didn’t really enjoy sitting around the STD infested drunk house, but it was nice to just sit down for once. To not be running. I figured I should enjoy that as long as I could before it was time to bolt. Nothing bad had happened so far, right? No one had recognized me, no one had even come up to speak with me. Maybe, for once, I could be in and out of a place without a problem.
“Bonjour chere.”
Hellooo problem.
5 Responses for "Your opinion of the beginning of my book please?"
Is it okay if I give you a few notes??* When you say "By the guys" I feel like it should be "by men". It seems a little odd to use the word "guys" in that sentence.*For the end of the first paragraph, maybe take out the "and" in "and as always"*For describing the bartender, you should try something like "He was older, with nasty sideburns, 'another definition describing his poor care', and 'another definition', but his nice smile seemed to make up for all of that."* You might want to change up a few words. "I mean, any gothic girl with ghost pale skin and two colored hair is bound to look a bit out of place in such a venue. They could just be more subtle about it, ya know?"That's just a few things, though. Hope I was helpful
oh wow, love the ending, very nice cliff hanger. Love the character. maybe a bit more description like others have been sayihng, But I would keep reading.
It's a start. I would want to continue reading on to see what happens next. Not bad.
ok
"There was the familiar sounds" I think this should read "there was the familiar sound" OR "there were the familiar sounds" Also it was good but I would like some more description in there, some more of the bar in general, the immediate area the character is sat, the people in there etc maybe what shes drinking and how it tastes? just more description in general but I did like itIm not a pro though so dont take my opinion too seriously just as a considerationmaybe she steps into glass from a broken bottle on the floor, maybe she puts her hand on the bar and its sticky, maybe some guy in there looks like her dad and she thinks its him for a second that kind of thing
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