Undecided Question

I am 21 years old.
When I was 15 up until I was 18, I went out with this guy called Frank. We were always on and off but I always knew he was my soul mate. When we split up for the final time, I started going out with someone else almost immediately.
His name is Bradley. So up until a few weeks ago, I had been going out with Bradley for 2 and a half years. Im now 21.

Frank has always been in the back of my mind, of course, he was my first love. But the reason Bradley and I split up is because I just couldn't seem to Stop thinking about Frank – I would watch a movie or a programme that had reunited couples in it and start to cry….

So anyway, a few weeks ago, me and Bradley split up. Bradley is amazing, and I'm pretty sure that if Frank didn't exist, our relationship would have been fine.

I suffer from severe anxiety, and mild depression. Im starting to think that my anxiety was the reason why I couldn't stop thinking about Frank. I also think I have slight OCD, because I pick at my skin non-stop, any little lump… my skin looks horrendous underneath my clothes. I also cant sleep at night if I havent checked that all the doors and windows are locked and all the plugs are out their sockets…. and I check these things over and over again even though I know they're fine! What a loser I am. Anyway back to the point…..

Me and Bradley broke up, and naturally I acted on impulse and started seeing Frank again (it wasnt like I hadnt seen him in years – I had even spent a whole year with him in the same class during time I was with Bradley, but even though I knew I still had feelings for him, I NEVER wanted to act on them then). So anyway I started seeing Frank again, and we slept together, and I didnt even care that I was doing this to Bradley. Yes we had broke up, but deep inside it didnt feel like we had split up. It felt right with Frank, but I did feel some guilt afterwards.

Me and Bradley got back together. I think I was scared to take things any further with Frank. Frank is charming but he also has a very bad side to him, that he says I tend to bring out. ??? Although – Frank has matured a lot since we were together in our teens. He has a different life now. So anyway i got back with Bradley. I thought I had seen the light, thinking things like – why would I throw away the last 2 and a half years,bradleys the most amazing person (which he is), and that I love Bradley so much and we get on like a house on fire that we would stay together from then on. He did not know about Frank.

But a few days later, I realised, Frank wasn't going to just go poof and disappear from my mind. He was there in my head the whole time, and it was dirving me nuts. I went out with some friends, got drunk and ended up going back to Frank's house. I cheated on Bradley.

The next day I felt disgusted with myself. I had to split up with Bradley because i couldnt live with everything that was going on in my head. I did not tell him about Frank, but I did tell him that I still had feelings for Frank.

Since then I have seen Frank again, but havent stayed over his house or anything. I told Frank I still love him, when I shouldnt have. It is true, i do still love him. But I love Bradley more. I cant be with Bradley because Frank is always in my head and Im always comparing the two of them. I cant be with Frank because every time I see him, I start to miss Bradley an obscene amount and it kills me. I know I'm single as such right now, but Bradley is my best friend in the world and all i want to do is ring him up and talk to him…..
Frank keeps texting me to go over his house but I dont want to, because I know how much it ***** my head up after each time i see him.

I feel very depressed right now. Why do we always want what we can't have?

I hate myself right now because I feel like Ive lost the most amazing person Ive ever met in my whole life – Bradley!!!