beauty healthy happy
26 Mar
What do you think of these poems?
A little yellow rose sits and waits, unclear as to what.
The sun is hidden by the tall trees surrounding.
The rose cannot bloom.
It's only friend is the ladybug on it's petals.
The ladybug is still, never moving more than it has to.
It slumbers all day and eats all night, oblivious to the rose's pain.
The yellow rose struggles to reach the sunlight, but it's roots hold it in place.
All seems lost.
The rose starts to wither and die, weak from lack of sun.
Then comes the storm.
It comes as the pair sleep, both unaware of the approaching danger.
It's winds whip through, tearing apart the forest surrounding.
The lightning flashes.
The thunder roars.
And the rose and ladybug struggle to hang on.
Just when they think they cannot last any longer, the storm comes to an end.
All is calm now.
Then up from the horizon comes the sun.
Dawn is here.
The forest around the rose has fallen.
No trees to block the sun.
The rose is bathed in glorious light.
The little yellow rose can bloom now.
It can become big and strong.
And at long last, it is happy.
It is free.
It is whole.
Because of the storm.
this one is called the spirit of america.
Majestic, powerful. It sits above surveying the land below. It watches the changes of the earth. Sees the men come across the sea and build upon the fields. Looks out at the new ones as they bring violence and pain to the natives. It observes the dark skinned ones and sees the sufering among them. Witnesses the men fight amongst thier selves, brothers against each other. Views them as they spread across the land, sea to sea. It examines thier new technology as it burns the earth, destroying as it goes. Weeps at the change. The beauty has gone and man is everywhere. It recoils at the thought of the future and wishes for the past. Longs for the days of old and crys at the waste of the present. But It holds onto the hope that one day the land will be loved as it was before and rejoices as the men discover thier mistake. It is relieved. It is hopeful. It is The Spirit of America.
the last is called winter storm.
The flakes fall, fat and fluffy upon my head. I walk through the streets and feel them crunch beneath my feet. The trees are heavy with their weight.Branches sag and green turns to white. Wind blows and snow swirls. Thick and fast, it falls. The sky is filled with dark clouds. I shiver. My coat is pierced by the frigid air around me. The storm gains strength. It throws snow in my face. I can feel the wind breathing on the back of my neck. Walking is difficult, the snow is up to my knees. I wrap up tighter in my coat.
But then…
The wind stops roaring. The snow slows. The clouds break apart. Bright sunlight shines down. Down upon the glittering ground. Trees are frosted white. Birds sing. Children laugh. The darkness has gone. In it's place it leaves…
Beauty.
they're like kinda like story poems.
One Response for "what do you think of these poems?"
Best Answer – Chosen by Voters The first poem has a fragment: "The yellow rose struggles to reach the sunlight, but it's roots hold it in place." You've misspelled the word "its." The word you've used is an abbreviation of "it is", and you're trying to show possession, on the contrary. Furthermore, you've elicited the same error: "It's winds whip through, tearing apart the forest surrounding." Same issue … fix it. Now as far as the ending is concerned, it sounds better ending with "The little yellow rose can bloom now." Everything following that line is keen reiteration, since this line has already shown that the rose has transcended the predicament. No need to repeat the moment of triumph. Also, the poem would be much better if you got all of the five senses involved. Right now, many of the senses are neglected, and it does the poem a disfavor. The more senses you use, the more poignant the poem is.There's a lot of "telling" instead of "showing" in the next poem. Don't simply tell us everything but indeed paint a poignant picture so the readers can relate to the poem. For example, this is "showing." "The dazzling lights from the vehicle pierced the air, illuminating thousands of ascending dust particles." That's an example of "showing." This is telling: "The vehicle floodlights were on." Do you see the difference here? There's nothing wrong with telling, but when the "showing" is absent, it makes the poem a bit vapid and less vivid. And one more thing, you've misspelled the word "their" twice in this poem.Finally, the third poem has the same issue: a lot of telling and scarce amounts of showing. "It throws snow in my face. I can feel the wind breathing on the back of my neck." Stop telling us and show us. Try this: " Cool white particles ascend and buffets my face … killing my eyesight with pools of gloom. Moments later, the icy-white particles swim down my face, causing my skin to neglect its senses, oblivious to feelings–numb. Warm air collides into the back of my neck, as if a wanton entity is breathing down my spine, lusting for my enticing flesh." Okay, these are mere examples, but the whole point is to be specific, not vague. What you've said is great, but I feel that you can show us a bit more. If you need additional advice or clarity, feel free to email me. Best wishes with your endeavors.
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