Looking at my reflection in the window I see me. I see Ardella Henderson. I see my hazel eyes, high cheek bones, my coffee with two creams skin tone, and my black hair flowing down past my shoulders. I hate to brag, but I sure look good. I also see a girl being shipped off to some all girls’ boarding school in the middle of nowhere. Alcove Gardens’ is what it’s called. My parents are sending me here so they can be free again, and live like the teenagers they never got to be. We’ve been riding in this car for five hours and I’m about ready to jump out. “Ardella, are you listening to us?” I turn to face my parents with an annoyed look on my face. I stare at my mother waiting for her to continue. She rolls her eyes and turns back around. “We want you to get a good education. We love you; we just think this place will be better than Central High.” I roll my eyes and I look back out the window.
“Just let her be Marcella,” my dad speaks up. “She’s not listening and it’s not like she cares. We don’t have to explain ourselves to her.”
“I know Arden, but Jesus she’s my little girl.” I hear a loud smack from the front, but I don’t turn to look.
“If you know, then just be quiet. She’s not a little girl. She’s 16 years old for Christ sakes, let the girl grow up. God only knows the grown things she’s been doing, or the grown people.” He laughs out loud at his own joke. “Never thought I would have a whore for a child.”
“Arden, please don’t call her that.” I kick the back of his seat hard enough to make him jerk. He swerves across three lanes and pulls over onto the shoulder. He stops the car and gets out. He swings my door open and stares at me. My mom is screaming for him to stop and get back in the car, but he ignores her.
“Look at your mother,” He yells pointing at my mother. I turn to see a busted lip and her nose beginning to bleed. “You see what your attitude makes me do to her? I don’t like hitting your mother, that’s why I have to hit you since you’re the problem.” I crawl to the other side and open the door, but he grabs my leg before I can get out. He flips me over and sits on top of me. My mother sits in the front screaming and crying. He stares down at me and his anger rises at my lack of struggle. He pulls his hand back and brings it down like he’s about to hit me. I don’t flinch like he wanted me to. “So you’re not scared of me? I’ll teach you to run like your mother!” He brings his hand back up and balls it in a fist. “Apologize to me and your mother for all the trouble your scrawny *** has brought us!”
I stare him in his hazel eyes that match mine. “I’ll never be my mother and I’ll never be scared of you.” His eyes grow big as my words hit him. He shakes his head side to side before he brings his fist down and into my face. He hits me three times before I pass out.
I wake up to find myself in a hotel room. I sit up to find my parents in the bathroom, on the counter, and doing what married couples do on occasion. I quietly get out of the bed and make my way to the closest mirror to see what the damage is this time. I have a black eye that I can barely open, and my bottom lip is swollen and bleeding. I look around the room for something to wipe my mouth. I find a towel across the room by the window. I tip toe across and I wipe up the blood with the towel. I sit in the chair next to the window and I stare at the ridiculously small town. I look at the small buildings and the even smaller houses that make up this dingy town. I look around looking for the name of this patch of land, but I hear a noise behind me. I jump and turn to find my father standing there grinning.
One Response for "What do you think of the beginning of my book?"
Interesting, but not very realistic, at least in my experience. As a kid that frequently got beaten up by his father as a child. The thing that is unbelievable to me about this: one she would rarely refer to herself as beautiful, even if she is, children of abuse rarely think they are worth anything, because they have been told so by authority figures their whole lives. Even the strong willed won't think that unless the other non-abusive parent is dominate, which, you make the mother submissive, so that does not work. She would either be scared ****-less or accustomed to it. Once again my experience. Also, you present the situation with a matter of shock and drama. This would work if it was a third person approach, but for first it is not effective. Try making it seem like a normal day. "Dad steered the Camry down 88 toward my new boarding school. Mom sat complacent in the chair as dad lectured her on why I was a whore. She responded in a sympathetic tone, saying that he shouldn't call me that. He gripped the wheel hard. Then raised his hand from the wheel. I looked down at my phone and sent a text to Kim, covering the sound of what was to come.Ding!AAck! Should have accounted for the fact that he was driving. I still heard the tail end of it. Dad put his hand back on the wheel and continued to drive down 88…" and so on. Remember you want your character in a story like this to appear real. That is what grips the reader to a serious subject if you make too obvious the reader will think their being told a tired story. Also, you may want to consider having your character start out submissive like her mother but, through boarding school comes to realize that she is beautiful and that she really is not afraid of her father. As the reader we want our characters to develop. Just for an example How fun would Harry Potter series be if he already new magic all the secrets of the world and had the confidence to fight Voldemort in the first 2 pages, we would have a 3 page book. In other words we want our characters to grow, to reveal something to us. Hope this helped. And hope it's not an autobiography.
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