beauty healthy happy
15 Mar
What do you think of my story?
Even though the light was dim I could see you were handsome. Beautiful, even. A timeless kind of beauty. The luminescence of your skin, your thick Romanian eyelashes; a perfect artists model.
Which you were for every sculpture that I made. My inspiration.
I don’t know how long I stood there watching your breath rise and fall. But I was in a moment all to myself, and-god, this is so wrong-but you’ll never know, right?
The moment it took to walk over to you seemed an eternity, but I slowly, deliciously, faintly brushed my lips over your cheek and into the hollow of your throat-the very touch of you sent a thrumming through my skin. I could feel it throughout my body, bolts of electricity making my mouth go dry and my world was spinning. Just one kiss, just one touch, right?
You hadn’t even woken up.
Now we are sitting together eating strawberries, and each stinging bite feels like that one kiss I stole from you.
“I’m going to take a nap” you announce.
“Yeah,” I reply as your breathing slowly becomes rhythmic and the only way I can tell you’re alive is by the slow rise and fall of your chest, because you are almost colorless, but for your eyes and lips you are not a statue. My very own sleeping beauty.
You bastard. Why do you have to be so breathtaking? You drink up the sun, you drink up my heart until the only thing I feel is you. You drink up everything.
Why does your touch make my heart stutter? My mouth so dry?
Why is it you?
i dont care if you say i am a horrible writer, i just need some constructive criticism.
6 Responses for "What do you think of my story?"
First comment: if you're going to ask for constructive criticism on Yahoo Answers and not care if you get flames, you need to be doing this on FictionPress. You've got a better chance of getting lots of people to read your story as a writer would and review it better. Actual reviewing/criticism time:You have a gift for romantic descriptions. Not too sappy, and not too unrealistic. Yet still, well, romantic, and with a certain amount of beauty from just purely being good at the craft.The immediate switch to eating strawberries is awkward, however. Mostly it just isn't clear enough that you've changed situations. Just by expanding that'll go away. Don't worry about making it boring, this is a draft and you're good enough at descriptions that you can take up time without bogging down the reader.Also, "You bastard. Why do you have to be so breathtaking? You drink up the sun, you drink up my heart until the only thing I feel is you. You drink up everything. [...]" is a very, very well-written section. Just felt like I had to point that out ^_^Elaborating on comment #1:If you don't know about fictionpress, go here: http://www.fictionpress0o0com and look around some. Read some people's stuff. Read some reviews. I personally recommend "An Evil and Nefarious Tale" by Hemlock-Key if you want to see what some good FP work is. Or just read it for fun. I think it's got some good reviews on it, too.If by the bizarre chance you want to have me review more, or beta, or read some of my (not all that great) stuff I've posted, the username's aneko24 ( http://www.fictionpress0o0com/~aneko24 )
Let me guess, you have read Twilight? Stephanie Meyer's writing and description style is actually very poor and flat. Why don't you try writing about something not romantically based? Try describing something else and repost it. I think your writing style will shine through then.
Ooh, I like love stories. But, as lovely as it is, I can sense some Twilight influence in here. And yes, I did read the first book (regrettably), so I'd know.It's good if you came up with it before Twilight came out though.
Quite lovely. I would say try to keep it in the past tense though. But that is much better than I could do. You have a wonderful style.Mine?
I like it, very detailed, I like how you can feel what the narrator is thinkingI so see twilight in it though, which can be good or bad
I liked it, I didn't think your writings bad in fact I liked it, I noticed lots of people saying how it reminds them a lot of twilight and blah blah blah, i wish people would stop comparing I think your writing is your own, and that this is your story whether it sounds like twilight or not (which it doesn't by the way, I think people think that cause it involves romance and people automatically think twilight…anyway) I liked it kept me interested and it was good..
write on.
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