beauty healthy happy
14 Mar
What do you think of my story…would you want to read on? am i a good writer?
Emma awoke to the sound of hushed voices around her. She kept her eyes closed so she could listen to the doctor and her parent’s conversation. “I’m sorry Mr. and Mrs. Banks, but Emma’s cancer appears to be back. It really was looking good for her, but now…” his voice trailed off.
Emma’s mother led out a sob and Emma guessed her father was rubbing her shoulders and trying not to cry himself. Emma slightly opened her eyes and groaned, acting like she was just waking up. Her parents rushed to her side and asked her how she was feeling. She tried to talk and this time, succeeded. “Fine. Much better, actually. I just really want to talk to Rick.”
Emma’s parents seemed disappointed that Rick got to be the lucky person who received all of Emma’s attention and conversation. They shrugged and repeated, “Rick.” Then, “Yes, of course, Rick. We informed him about what happened, dear, and he said he would come as soon as he could,” her parents cooed to her.
Rick was Emma’s best friend. He was tall, athletic, muscular, smart, and everything else anyone could possibly want in a friend. But those were just the obvious things. There were things that Emma knew about Rick that no other person knew. He knew when to be serious, funny, perky, sad, and mad with Emma. He would quit whatever he was doing to be with Emma if she needed anything. His friends would always tease him that he cared for Emma like she was his girlfriend, and not just a friend, like he said she was. Emma smiled at the thought, and then pinched herself, remembering her promise to Kaylee. She shuddered and tried to get Kaylee out of her mind.
But everywhere she looked now, it was Kaylee’s beautiful face she saw. The thick, dark hair curled around her face, her teeth sparkling; white and shiny, her lipstick dark and red, everything about her just so gorgeous and perfect.
Emma had always wondered why Kaylee had chosen her to be her friend. Kaylee was perfectly beautiful and above normal, and, well, Emma wasn’t. Emma was tall and big. Not fat, but big-boned like her father. She had strawberry-blonde hair, not at all dark and mystical like Kaylee’s. She didn’t bother with make-up, which was another contrast between the two friends; Kaylee’s face was always perfectly made up to look sultry and sexy, while Emma just put a little chap stick on now and then.
im not done, this is just what i have done so far. am i a good writer? would u want to read more? please rate this so i can fix things and keep going?
thanks!
6 Responses for "what do you think of my story…would you want to read on? am i a good writer?"
Hmm…its not bad. There are some choppy and technically incorrect sentences in the first paragraph i.e. your writing needs improvement (nearly everyone could improve their writing so don't feel offended). Also, do you know what a Mary-Sue is? If not, google it and take the Mary-Sue Litmus test, and it will tell you whether or not your character is a Mary-Sue…which is not something you want.As I was reading the last few paragraphs, Emma hinted at being a Mary-Sue, so be careful. The story itself also needs work, as at the moment its somewhat predictable and cliche. Your characters need flaws! Her best friend is way too perfect and unrealistic. Your readers will still like Rick even if he has a few flaws, they may even like him better as he'll be more like someone they know!
So, try to make your characters real and not so perfect! I can even predict some of the story (though I may be wrong!):Emma is the "ugly duckling" who no one notices, and she feels so plain next to her gorgeous deceased bestie Kaylee, who was oh-so-beautiful and the envy of everyone. But then Rick and Emma start to like each other, and Rick is absolutely the greatest most handsome best boyfriend ever, and he thinks Emma is outrageously beautiful even though Emma doesn't agree.Sound close? Even if it does, just a little bit, resemble your work, then it needs some fine tuning. I'm interested to read on, but if you fixed up things here and there and really tweaked with it to make it perfect..well, then I'd be hooked! Don't be offended when people say "bad" things about your work. Remember you asked for critique, and the harsher and more constructive the answers are, the more you will improve.
Happy writing
Hire a free-lance editor and they'll tell you flat out what works and what doesn't.
WOAH!!! this sounds so intriguing.i can't wait to see what comes next in this.good luck!Jenny B
Good work so far!!
I really liked it. And I find it funny cause your description of Emma sounds just like me except I don't have cancer but like the last line made me laugh since I can relate to that. I would read more probably I am interested. But do understand that there is editing to be done to just about anything
Read mine?
In the beginning you keep making a reference to her throat a million times; You don't have to keep telling us how Emma's throat is feeling when you've already told us in the first five seconds. Also in the beginning you said she wanted to call the 'only one' person, take out the 'one' or the 'only' part, since you're kind of repeating yourself. I will be honest and say I didn't read on, because my moto is if the story has not got my full interest in the first minute, then I will not read on.I will rate this a 3 out of 10, you really need to go back through and read it for yourself. It was not good, but if you keep working on it, it will get better.I bet you're one of those kids that will end up picking the answer like the one below because you want someone to suck up to you for ten points. Typical.
Leave a reply