beauty healthy happy
15 Mar
What do you think of my story so far?
I glanced out of the window to peruse, in time to witness the sun rise on the horizon. The sea sparkled through the magical mists and repeatedly clung on to the shore only to fall back again. I was the personification of that scene. I always seemed to go somewhere, only to mess things up and land right back where I started. I didn’t want that sort of life for my husband and kids. I wanted them to grow up and achieve their dreams. That was my only wish.
I turned and crept swiftly to where my sleeping beauties were. I smiled. I looked in the bathroom mirror and frowned. Dark circled appeared under my eyes. My hair was dirty and greasy. My face was the same as ever large hazel brown eyes, deep olive skin, chocolate curls and a stunning Grecian nose. You may think I was pretty, beautiful even, but you couldn’t be more wrong. I had deep wrinkles even at the age of 22. My skin was dry and not looked after and my feet were cracked and dirty. The walls had damp covering them, the floor was carpet less. The only nice, new thing we owned was the only bed in the middle of the room. Yes, we only have a 3 room apartment and yes, I am married with two children, but isn’t it better to be happy than rich? No, I didn’t think so either. I didn’t have a job, so I couldn’t really complain. But Josh, he worked everyday of every week of every month just to keep our family alive.
But today, the first day of 2010, I was going to get a job and I was going to look at bigger apartments and we are going to live like a proper family. We had to. I just wanted to be normal. Is that so wrong?
6 Responses for "what do you think of my story so far?"
Well it isn't bad, but it does need a bit of a hook to draw the reader in. Perhaps you could even start with the main character losing her job, something people can definitely relate to. Let me edit what you have here. My thoughts are in parens().(first, you don't want to start with I. Be careful not to use it too much when writing first person)The sea sparkled through the magical mists and (not sure what repeatedly means) clung on to the shore only to fall back again. I glanced out of the window (peruse is obvious) in time to witness the sunrise (on the horizon is obvious) and felt like the personification of that scene. It seemed like I was always going somewhere, only to mess things up and land right back where I started. It wasn't the sort of life my husband and I wanted for our kids. My only wish was for them to grow up and achieve their dreams. (the husband doesn't need to grow up)(sleeping beauties seems a little odd, unless you really describe the children) The bathroom mirror seemed especially unkind today. Dark circled appeared under my eyes and my hair was dirty (greasy is repetative. I'm not sure how to edit the description. She's stunning, yet doesn't think of herself as pretty? Pick one or the other). Deep wrinkles were etched into my eyes from worry, even at the age of 22. Our apartment was no better; three rooms for a married couple with two children. The walls had damp (damp what?) covering them, the floor was carpetless. The only nice new thing we owned was the only bed in the middle of the room, but isn’t it better to be happy than rich? No, I didn’t think so either (actually, most people think happiness is better than money, consider changing). I didn’t have a job, but Josh worked everyday of every week of every month just to keep our family alive. (No need to say you couldn't complain, it's too informal)But today was the first day of 2010 and I was going to get a job. I was going to look at bigger apartments and we were going to live like a proper family. We had to. I just wanted to be normal (no reason to say 'Is that so wrong')Just my thoughts. Also, if they're really poor, can they really live in an apartment with an ocean view? I'm sure it's possible, but just describe that a little better. Good luck!
I love it so much, I have to concentrate to find criticism with it. Ok… um one thing I would say then is maybe start some of your sentences with vowels- For example, instead of "I looked into the bathroom mirror and frowned" it becomes "Looking into the bathroom mirror, I frowned" But it was brilliant
I liked the beginning and your use of metaphors! It kinda lost me in the last paragraph, but with a little editing it could work
you have used the word I, 18 times….. in one paragraph ekk
I loved it!
It's okay I suppose, but it's not very interesting and doesn't grip the reader straight away like every good story does. I would be an idea if you started it off with a slight mysterious tone to it to make the readers brain immediately think "What happening" the reader will then read on. Every now and then add a bit of mystery to get the reader interested and wanting to read on.
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