1. CAVITY
i thought i knew who i was
solid and permanent
attached to the ground beneath my feet
with invisible bonds of determination
living alone behind metal walls
my world a room stocked with
cans of chicken soup
and monopoly games

i thought i was content
but then you came along
unhooking my knees
melting away my metal cage
eating up my soup and
beating me at my own worn games
until i lay collapsed on the ground, exposed
until i realized the room was built for two,
not one

2. THIS IS HOW I FEEL TO YOU:
I am angry
I throw things
and people run away frightened
beds soiled by nightmares
and sweat
you want me to be glad
and i appreciate your touch
cold as i may be
you have amused me
and once i danced on the sidewalk
but those times are gone
and pleading only makes things worse

i hate the world because
i was born to hate
and no one should have to love
only to be hurt
if you don't want me, fine
only stop pretending
stop trying
it's breaking my shallow heart to see you
care this much
about someone so terrible

your innocent gaze across the river
forehead wrinkling at the leaves swirling
breaking apart in the boiling current
tears my insides apart
veins stretching against skin pulled taut
face distorted in a
demented grin
i am no longer the one you love
i am disgusting
filth

i am leaving you
and if you happen to catch my fingertips
soft and limp
as i fall
i advise you to let go

3. FEARS
when I was small
and you asked me what I was afraid of
I told you:

getting lost in the city
throwing up at school
and breathing in water at swimming lessons
which always made my throat burn like hell

I was scared of tornadoes
nightmares and horror films
being alone in the dark
and losing the only things I cared about:
my blankie and favorite stuffed animal,
and my family

I grew up a little and my fears became ones of
never being loved by a boy
developing an eating disorder
losing my temper or getting beat up
being humiliated in front of
all the people who mattered most to me
and crying so hard I wouldn't be able to stop

new fears would present themselves each year
of forgetting who I am
of the future, all the unknown possibilities it holds
and of losing you

sometimes it's easier now
to lay in the closet
with my monsters fighting to get out
to devour me
not realizing I'm already a part of them

I jump out of trees
blast music into my ears
tell people I love them on a whim
and dance in buses
because it's easier than to live here alone
with the truth ringing through my weak voice
to open my eyes every day
and not see your face