Sorry – long post coming! Any advice would be appreciated.

I’m really struggling with confidence with regards to the way I look. During my earlier teenage years I was’t really concerned with the way I looked – I rarely wore make-up, other than for special occasions and I just wasn’t one of those ‘it’ girls. The idea of being popular seemed embarrassing to me. I was bookish and not into cosmetics and I wasn’t really interested in dating anyone. I didn’t feel ugly, but nor did I feel pretty. Very plain Jane-like. When I went into school (into a new class) after an extended illness, I was shocked to get a lot of attention from boys. I sat there, in no makeup, answered questions and did my school work. I felt like the epitome of a nerdish girl. Girls all around me were plastered in make-up. I didn’t think it was possible that people would fancy me compared to all these ‘It’ girls and I think I came across as snobbish because of my insecurity. I do regret that.

So my insecurity did start a while back. Although back then I didn’t scrutinize my looks or worry about them. I just accepted that I was a ‘normal’ looking girl – nothing special. I didn’t really care. I preferred being smart.

Now, thanks to one horrible comment, I’ve gone the complete opposite and I hate myself for it! I’ve carried on over the last few years thinking I was decent-looking, but not beautiful . Then stupidly I put a profile picture up on a website which I was a member of and someone commented, “If I looked like you I wouldn’t put up a picture. 12/50.” (ironically this person didn’t have a profile picture.) Deep down I knew this person was probably just an idiot, they’d been banned from the site for bad behaviour before and he was horrible about several girls’ profile pictures. But the way it’s affected my self-image is ridiculous. When I first read the comment I cried (sounds dramatic, I know.) I eventually told my parents and they were shocked but tried to build my self-confidence (as parents do.) But I just don’t feel the same way inside anymore. Now, no matter how much people tell me I’m pretty, I just feel ugly. All the pretty comments seem insignificant compared to that one comment, that was said months ago now.

Even if logically in my head, I know I look ok – I have clear skin, no unusual features and reasonable facial symmetry, I still can’t get the comment out of my head. In a bid to feel better I started buying cosmetic products. I never used to wear make-up often before and now I rarely leave the house without it. I used to be happy to go out bare-faced. I still aim for a natural look, but I do wear it.

I spend hours on the internet searching for the best cosmetic products, best way to style myself – it’s so stupid. A few years ago I would have spent that time with my head in a book or doing something useful. I am a little on the chubby side (but I’m dealing with it by losing weight.) But no matter how slim I get, how many amazing cosmetic products I use… I still feel like I’ll be low in confidence. It doesn’t help that my friends are really shallow and go on about how ugly certain people are… it makes me question whether they think the same about me. How pretty do I have to be to be classed as 'nice looking' to them? Sigh.

I know I’m going around in circles with this – I would love to go back to my old “don’t care” attitude. The problem is I’m seventeen now and for the first time in my life WANT to be pretty. Yet no matter how hard I try, because of that one comment, I can’t feel it.