beauty healthy happy
26 Mar
Small excerpt from my book? feedback please?
“Time for the airplane makeover!” Britney screeched in a sing-song voice as she cracked her laptop shut and carelessly hurled it into the airplanes golden carpet. Britney lugged out an oversized glittery purple beauty box clamped shut with a golden keyhole. She swiftly pulled out a glossy golden key, wedged it into the keyhole, twisted it, and hurled open the box with a victorious snap. An array of over 100 shimmering neon eye shadows with brand names slapped all over them that ranged from MAC to Urban Decay was neatly piled into the collection. Over fifty colorful lip glosses that all had individual flavors were stuck together with a stretchy elastic band. Blushes, moisturizers, eye brow tweezers, mascaras, lip plumper’s, cotton swabs, nail polishes, hair sprays, body glitters, lip-sticks, hair curlers, and just about everything that makes a girl go from drabulous to fabulous was packed tightly into the box. Chloe’s closed her eyes. The sweet stench of fruity eye shadows and chocolaty lip glosses was making her eyes water.
“You need to look good for the paparazzo.” Britney explained as she began smoothing foundation across Chloe’s defined cheek bones. Chloe didn’t protest. Just like every other girl out there, she loved being pampered to a ridiculous extent with acrylic nails and a years worth of allowance in makeup and skin care, but she couldn’t ignore the curious stares from the other passengers. Chloe felt like she was in an outrageously girly dream that took place in Sephora. Layla began blending a rosy highlighter onto the apples of Chloe’s cheeks, as Britney sprayed a sultry mist of lightweight bronzer across Chloe’s face, arms, and neck.
“She’s going to look so camera ready!” Eva squealed as she ran her fingers over the array of iridescent lip glosses in awe, like a five year old in a Candy shop.
4 Responses for "Small excerpt from my book? feedback please?"
Best Answer – Chosen by Voters It's definitely chicklit. I love the plot so far. You have a cute writing style, but you tend to run on. For example, the line, "Blushes, moisturizers, eye brow tweezers, mascaras, lip plumper’s, cotton swabs, nail polishes, hair sprays, body glitters, lip-sticks, hair curlers, and just about everything that makes a girl go from drabulous to fabulous was packed tightly into the box." you could write, "A plethora of girl products, anything that can make a girl go from drabulous to fabulous, was packed tightly into the box." Also, when you use brand names in a story, the "moderness" of a story can decrease over time. Your story will phase out if you're not careful.Another grammar mistake is when you wrote "(Britney) carelessly hurled it into the airplanes golden carpet…" when you should've written "onto the airplane's golden carpet". You're not throwing something into a carpet unless it's a liquid.Overall, I really enjoyed reading your story. Keep writing!
Try using less adjectives. It's a little too descriptive. Make sentences simple, not every noun needs an adjective. Paparazzo should be paparazzi. I know you haven't edited it yet, but you have some mistakes in there. Overall, it's good.
I liked it and I don't think that it's to girly. I think that its girly but not too girly. I mean what girl wouldn't like to be pampered and made over.
your a really great writer and there are plenty of adjectives and thingstry using alliteration ( two or more words with the same sound eg sizzling sauages snapped in a pan) and personification ( making something sound real eg flowers danced in the breeze)this gets you a lot of marksyeah so far it great well done
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