Read this short excerpt? (My Story)?
The stone surface was like ice beneath her feet, but Katia could not feel it. Even the bitter air failed to break through to her senses. She had felt the throbbing pain and then the boiling anger, but that had all simmered away, leaving an emptiness behind.
She had been hallowed out. Every emotion tucked away; every sense far from reach.
She was numb.
She no longer felt the sting along her cheeks where tears had stained them. Her eyes, still puffy but no longer aching, began tracing the cracks along the stone walls, twisting and bending on and on. These people had broken her, like the withered walls of their dungeon. She had felt the tumbling of her own walls, the rush as her pieces crumbled beneath her. Now all that remained was the damage left behind; the cracked surface.
She had barely realized the man had stopped, when he shot his hand out in front of her.
"Wait here," he grunted, plopping his torch in a holder just outside a small wooden door. He then pushed it open; rusty hinges refusing to keep silent. She had almost reacted to the thud of the closing door, but not quite.
She stood there in a heap of silence, allowing the damp air to settle against her skin; allowing the silence to fill her up. The darkness was pressing in on her, like the tides against a ship lost at sea. The darkness was more alive than she was.
Something moved beyond the flickering of the torch, but she didn't even raise her eyes from the wall – did it really matter? A creature could have slithered from the shadows and ripped her throat out at that moment – just because she hadn't been ready for the strike. Would she have defended herself? Katia wondered if this numbness would get her killed. She wondered if she cared.
Katia's world has been shattered. She's now numb. The reader will see this play out in the chapters to come but I need a good way to introduce it. Katia's way of thinking, talking, reacting has changed dramatically compared to the beginning. So I needed something to lead the readers into this change. Does this introduce it well? Should I make it stronger? Constructive criticism is welcomed and appreciated, as always. Riiight. (;
4 Responses for "Read this short excerpt? (My Story)?"
that was good. could you help me write detail. i have trouble of it being smooth and flowing so good. could you please give me some pointers
This is very good! The descriptions of her emotions are well detailed and vivid. Awesome!
I felt like I was really there. Keep up the good work, I wanted to read more.
You can't say "hallowed out" – you mean hollowed (and don't say "shriven" when you mean "shrivelled" either)Hallow is a word usually used as a verb, meaning "to make holy or sacred, to sanctify or consecrate, to venerate". The adjective form hallowed, as used in The Lord's Prayer, means holy, consecrated, sacred, or revered."She's now numb" – all right, all right, we got it the first time. 1. leaving an emptiness behind. 2. She had been hallowed out. 3. Every emotion tucked away; 4. every sense far from reach.5. She was numb.6. These people had broken herWe're not stupid you know. You don't have to tell us things six times.Can't ya speed it up a little? Like cut some of the words and imagery? "Ice beneath her feet" – you mean, "Like ice" right? obviously it's not "ice against her tongue"If she couldn't feel it then how did she know it felt like ice? What she is slipping and sliding like a big dog on a linoleum floor?"She had almost reacted to the thud of the closing door, but not quite. " In other words, nothing happened? Hmmmm … yeah, the reader definitely wants to spend the precious seconds of their lives reading about nothing happening."a heap of silence" "the silence to fill her up": them're mixed metaphors, ain't they? . "a whole haystack of nothingness" "band of unknowns fails to rise above the pack of sheepish commoners""A creature could have slithered from the shadows and ripped her throat out at that moment" – huh? sounds like the line from Airplane Leslie Nielsen: "Do you know what it's like to have your face ground into the mud by an iron boot? Of course you don't, because it never happens to anybody. But if it did …" Seems just as likely that "a buzzard with a jukebox up his butt could have glided in low filling the skies with the sound of music at that moment" too, no?Since you intend to write about the subject, have you ever actually been emotionally shattered? Or have you ever spent time with somebody who was truly emotionally shattered? That is a very weighty subject, and alot of people have that real life experience. If you try to fake this just from your imagination, nobody who has really been in a desperate and dark place is going to either beleive you or like your writing. You should research this heavily. Unless you research the subject, how are you going to then portray salvation and redemption from emotional shatteredness? What? Are you just going to make it all up?Have you ever seen the painting "The Wreck of the Medusa"? The artist, Gericault, was so concerned with correctly portraying human beings barely surviving and on the edge of death that he spent a whole year hanging around tuberculosis wards and hospitals trying to get the right feel, and especially, the precise image of human beings in on the edge of death. Also, there was a Victorian painter who was commissioned to paint the image of a charging bull elephant, but no matter how many times he tried, people who had actually seen charging elephants told him he had it wrong. He actually went to Africa and arranged it so that he was actually charged by an enraged bull elephant. He was almost killed, but finally he got the image right.
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