Read my short story and comment?
Author: admin
14
Mar
Read my short story and comment?
She pulled the crimson rose from the bush. Uncaring if the thorns would swipe her finger. They did pierce her delicate skin and a bold liquid, darker than the rose itself sprang forth from her index finger. Still she did not care. She walked to the other side of the oak tree and sat down. The hard bark of the tree pushed into her back as she remained immobile. The girl stared out into the beautiful meadow filled with wildflowers and soft green grass. Her purple sundress had fanned out before her as she stretched out her pained legs. The bruises were slightly healed on her shin but the marks on her arms were fresh. Father had become angry again. The imprints from his leather belt had left permanent wounds upon her skin and soul. She let her hurt toes brush the slightly damp, thick grass, and a tickling sensation arose. She felt at peace in this quaint meadow. Safe from everything else. The girl would often visit the meadow to calm herself. The place had become her savior, a mantra. She closed her eyes and slowly drifted to sleep. Until she was awoken by the deep voice of her yelling father. She awoke in a her own bed. “It was only a dream” she thought to her self. But the shouting still continued. The meadow was only in her head.
thanks! constructive criticism is accepted. and do you think it'll be chosen for my school's literary magazine?
comment comment comment!
4 Responses for "Read my short story and comment?"
Best Answer – Chosen by Voters That's a good attempt at writing. ______________________________________…It starts off slow:–She pulled the crimson rose from the bush. Uncaring if the thorns would swipe her finger. They did pierce her delicate skin and a bold liquid, darker than the rose itself sprang forth from her index finger. Still she did not care. She walked to the other side of the oak tree and sat down. The hard bark of the tree pushed into her back as she remained immobile. The girl stared out into the beautiful meadow filled with wildflowers and soft green grass. Her purple sundress had fanned out before her as she stretched out her pained legs.–All this at the beginning is a little too much narration about the same thing: you wrote too much about the girl being in the meadow. It felt like you were commentating on her every movement.______________________________________…______________________________________…When you ended it:–The place had become her savior, a mantra. She closed her eyes and slowly drifted to sleep. Until she was awoken by the deep voice of her yelling father. She awoke in a her own bed. “It was only a dream” she thought to her self. But the shouting still continued. The meadow was only in her head.–I would have done it like: –The meadow was her sanctuary, a safe haven from her fathers roaring and brutality. Now suddenly her chest went hollow and her throat grew solid as she heard him bellowing her name, again. 'Where is she?' he shouted viciously to his wife.'Paul-, she's only asleep in her room-, please-!', came the weak, timid reply.As he bounded up the stairs to her bedroom shouting, 'Girl, get down here!', Leanne forced heself to say goodbye to her meadow and return to reality.–I would have made that ending a bit more drawn out, and explaining a bit more about whats going on.______________________________________…Other than that I think you have a good idea for a book. A girl who runs away to her dreamland meadow to escape her abuse. It's very dramatic and original. I mean, I havn't heard anything like it before.Please PLEASE please, help!It's a SHORT question, and I NEED CRITICISM!Heres the fixed link:
ya i really like it. its deep and very descriptive. i have recently found writing helps me realese things i keep inside. keep writing
!!!it would be great if you could read some things ive writen and comment to (:http://daniellelp.wordpress0o0com/
If you wrote that at my school I think it would. It's cool that you write stories. I love to write stories too. I'm thinking of being a English major.
Your story is awesome!! It should be a book. =)I think it should be in your school's magazine.
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