Undecided Question
Please tell me if you like my story so far?
The darkness was surrounding me and my heart was pounding deathly fast, threatening to burst from my chest. My skin was crawling, maybe because of the freezing temperature, or maybe because of the fear digging at my stomach. Either way, one thing was certain. I had no idea where I was. All I knew was I had to escape. I ran as fast as I could and it felt like no matter where I ran I never felt any walls, or trees, or anything. My throat burned and my eyes watered. I felt this bitter taste in my throat.
"Please somebody help me!," I screamed. What is happening to me?!? As soon as I thought all hope was lost, I saw a miniscule beam of light. In the center stood the silhouette of a man. Finally I ran as fast as my feet could take me. I finally reached him, my throat now felt exactly like it did a few minutes ago but worse. A thousand times worse.
"Please you have to help me! I don't know where I am! My throat is burning, I feel so weak!"
He looked at me for a second. Judging by his face he looked about my age. His skin was so flawless, his eyes made me forget how to breath, his beauty seemed to make time stand still. But all he did was look at me, staring and grinning. Suddenly I remembered my burning throat.
"Um hello!? Please tell me what is going on!," I could barely get the words out, I clenched my teeth together to stop from screaming.
Finally he spoke
"Doesn't feel so great does it?" He asked in a serious almost angry voice.
"Excuse me?!?" My face was red as I fumed with anger. Why couldn't this guy just help me? But before I had timed to ask, he jumped on top of me, pinning me to the ground. His fingers wrapped around my forearm so tight I thought I'd wake up with no arms at all. But it took me less than a millisecond to realize I might not wake up period. Then this strange man did something completely unexpected, his teeth ripped into my flesh, I felt my blood being drained out of my body, The earth was spinning, and then everything went black.
i know vampire stories are a challenge to make original ever since the whole twilight thing. but dont worry nobody is gonna twinkle in the sun. also if you have advice please tell me because one thing i have trouble with is setting the way i write up. like i have trouble seperating what people say and quotes and conversations. im just a beginner so please spare my feelings lmao thanks
2 Responses for "please tell me if you like my story so far?"
Very good for a so called beginner :p. There are a few minor errors (mainly commas), but nothing too big. If you want some more help from other people (including myself) you could join my new forum http://writersnotebook.co.cc for free and post your story updates there. I'm sure there will be people there to help with anything you may need help with. P.S. disregard the other person and the preclimax. A ton of amazing authors do this. It's called in media res for more info you can ask me at my forum.
Your grammar isn't great. Not bad, of course, but not great. You have the consistent comma problem that you see in most people under the age of sixteen. I was lucky, but most are not. It's okay, though. I'll help out. Then this strange man did something completely unexpected, his teeth ripped into my flesh, I felt my blood being drained out of my body, The earth was spinning, and then everything went black.Due to that capitalized The, I'll suppose you meant this to be two sentences and change that for you. Then this strange man did something completely unexpected, his teeth ripped into my flesh, I felt my blood being drained out of my body. For basic rules that helps your brain read it better, this does not flow and therefore is not grammatically correct. This ahead would be correct.Then this strange man did something completely unexpected. His teeth ripped into my flesh, and I felt my blood being drained out of my body,Conjunction junction, what's your function? Hookin' up words and phrases and clauses! "And" is a conjunction, and you have two clauses there. "His teeth ripped into my flesh" and "I felt my blood being drained out of my body" are two independent clauses. As a rule – any other way is incorrect – two independent clauses can only be connected by a conjunction. "And", "But", and "Or", are some conjunctions. In case you didn't know, independent clauses are sentences with verbs (therefore being sentences that could stand on their own and be INDEPENDENT) and dependent clauses are sentences without verbs (and you therefore need to attach an independent clause to them).Why does your vampire have to be beautiful? Make him ugly! Make life interesting. And if this is the beginning of your story, I'm not so sure if it's such a good idea to start in the middle of the action. An early pre-climax makes all interest fade. Source(s): Thirteen-year-old writer. Young, but good.
Leave a reply