beauty healthy happy
26 Mar
Please critique this poem?
Suddenly the current goes mute
Her eyes widen and glass over
A lonely tear mopes hopelessly down her cheek
You watch her say “I love you”
But still cannot hear the perfection of her voice
Silence
No heart could remain un-phased after seeing the look upon her face
Pure confusion
The most severe pain inflicted upon the most undeserving victim
The water violently grabs her, she is gone
The opaque surface provides a window
A blurred showcase of her flailing efforts
She emerges with a shriek
Her voice now unshackled
The epitome of fear and heart break incarnate
The water remains deadly silent
Only her screams are heard
You run for her not but gain no ground
You watch her
You watch her fight for her life
She watches you
She watches you change your mind too late
She disappears
You reach the water and dive
The fatal current loses strength as you swim
She floats upon the crystal blue water
Her cold dead eye lids lock away all the warmth and love of the world
All is lost
Why weren’t you there?
All of the beauty and light in the world has died
Why weren’t you there?
The pain that you deserve to feel for the remainder of your days is utterly undesribale
Why weren’t you there?
Why weren’t you there?
One Response for "Please critique this poem?"
Best Answer – Chosen by Voters There's a saying in poetry (it works in most writing) to have the best words in the best order. You have over-modified this, filled it with abstractions and generally left the reader out. Poetry is communication, not something that is left up to the interpretation of the reader — there are always subjectives — but for the most part poets write to say something. And them, (always a and then) poets also need to come at a subject from the side, as William Stafford said, "Poetry is the kind of thing you have to see from the corner of your eye."Do you read much poetry?
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