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26 Mar
Is this story good? Please read … I am only 13 so bare with me.?
The girl in the forest.
By Alexandra Gordon
The cold air whimpered and I could feel the wind beckoning me to my home, but curiosity took over me and I walked towards the trees which danced at the sight of me. Their swaying made a swooshing noise, the rain patting gently on the branches and the stars twinkled like chimes… It was an orchestra. My feet just couldn’t stop themselves and then the next thing I know I was standing in the middle of the forest listening to their beautiful melodies.
I thought it was amazing; the golden moon beaming through the trees, reflected in the rain which poured. It was magical; the environment around me was literally glowing! But then I noticed something… In the distance I could see a girl swaying around to the forest’s music. She was so beautiful, her perfect face: her eyes green like the leaves on the trees, her hair red like the roses surrounding her, her skin, impossibly pale. They were white but in a sort of pretty way which I envied.
The mysterious girl swept her hair from side to side as she moved but then she stopped. Everything went silent as if they had been muted by her still figure. She glared at me in a confused way like I was something she had never seen before. I felt compelled to go back home but her beauty was fascinating me- how is it that a girl can actually be so hypnotic? As she came closer her expression seemed more loving and caring.
She raised her hands and signaled ‘stop’ to the forest around her. Then at that moment the trees becamer very dark and the moon turned a kind of dark purple color which coated the forest in a scary way… The amazing forest which I first saw had transformed itself into something hideous and something that made me feel like running away! And then I turned to the girl…
I shrieked at the sight of her! Her eyes had turned black. Those eyes stared at me whilst I was trying to escape them… Her divine hair, once bright red had changed into a much darker tone like the contrast between a rotten red apple and dried blood. It was messy and spiky! Her perfect white skin had turned a very pale blue. I could see her veins burgeoning as she was growing skinnier! The sight of her made my blood curdle and my heart pound rapidly! I couldn’t move, I was just paralyzed by the sight of her! I wasn’t even sure if she was a ‘she’or an ‘it’.
She placed her hands on my cheeks; they were freezing, as cold as a morning frost. I almost felt pity, her eyes full of sadness and loneliness. But, then her fingers split into two, opening and allowing two sharp, long nails to dig into my face. Blood and tears were streaming down my cheeks and I screamed but she kept on with that blank expression on her face. She was unused to reality. She dug down into my face tearing and ripping my skin until my face was skinless, blood covering her hands which finally released themselves me and then I cried my last cry. I fell to the ground, covered in blood; leaves swam in the crimson puddle, bugs biting my remaining flesh of my body.
My motionless body was then joined by the girl, her hands wrapped around me warm and gentle. She and the forest became the beauty I first saw. Then I realized that the girl wanted to love something, something which she could keep forever. She would never be lonely. My soul now remains here in her forest. My story is how the saying goes: “Looks can be deceiving.”
***** By a 13 year old girl, and is there any competitions i could enter it in?? x Thanks XxX
5 Responses for "Is this story good? Please read … I am only 13 so bare with me.?"
Best Answer – Chosen by Voters I like the story and your descriptions although find another adjective for twinkling stars as 'chimes' doesn't really make it. You have failed to expand the story in certain areas just as you did in Martha's magic House. You notice a girl in the distance and then she gets closer and finally she touches her cheek but you have no mention of how your character, who is nameless, is feeling as the apparition approaches. Also you say the forest went silent as if muted by her still figure but then say that she raised her hands to tell the forest to stop. Again I say print it off and read it aloud. It does need editing. If you are only thirteen then you are very good in fact even if you are older you are still very good. Keep writing and please try to edit the story before you post it up because that is the professional thing to do. Keep writing as you do have style and a certain 'feel' for the character you portray. Good luck. Source(s): Experience.
wow that is really good!!!!!
For a thirteen-year-old, this is indeed really good; your descriptions are excellent, and the end made a shiver go up my spine. If you want to make it better, though, before entering it into a competition, here are some tips;You have a couple of run-on sentences, most notably the first one, that could use some commas or other grammatical tidying.I don't recommend using exclamation marks outside of speech; they don't make the reader excited, just give the impression that the author is shouting at her. Besides, in this instance that whole section would be much more chilling if it seemed quiet and calm than it is with every other sentence shouting hysterically.There is a tendency towards telling rather than showing, and passives rather thasn actives; in particular, the part where the forest changes should ideally come with a shift in tone, pace and maybe even sentence structure. I'm not saying I expect a thirteen-year-old to be able to pull this off, but it's something to work on in the future
The face-ripping thing scared the bejeezus out of me and will probably give me nightmares. Good work on that. It could be scarier if you neatened up the grammar and maybe tried to show a little more than tell, though.The last paragraph is very rushed, and could almost certainly be expanded to a page or so. The pacing would be better in that instance. I'm also not convinced that having a character narrate from beyond the grave is a good idea, although that depends on how you're envisioning this working.Overall, yes, this is very, very good. Please keep writing; it's easy to see that your style is evolving into something wonderful.I'm afraid I don't know of any competitions, though.
WOOOWW!! You frickingg amazing im jealouss! Likee Whoahhh you should be one of those famous child writers or something. But im sorry i dont know any competitions. But great descripton, girl you arre one talented 13 year old , America would be so grateful to have you here. I mean just wow its the short NOOO the best story i have ever read in my life of 14 years old.
I shall read your other stories to!!!! xxxx Source(s): Like wow, ANSWER my questios please??? Oh and vote me please for best answer aha hah a lool i need the points.
That is realy good! sorry, I don't know any competitions. One thing I would say is do stars realy make a sound? I perhaps would change it to a soft owl's hoot in the distance or something. also, you say 'It was white' but what was white?? Her face?
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