beauty healthy happy
26 Mar
Is this poem any good?
I saw him while I was on a train
We'd stopped, our noses stuck to the pane
It was in a village not far from here
The dirt hadn't stopped, the air wasn't clear
He bathed at a lone public hand pump
His brown underwear clung to his rump
The rest of him was stark bare
His skin shone in the afternoon glare
Black, glossy, with a perfect physique
Public no clothesness didn't make him meek
We none of us could avert our stare
From Adonis, who was beautiful when bare
And while I looked on I could also discern
Others of all ages awaiting their turn
Holding slivers of pink soap and dirty linen
Vultures seeing through filth and beauty even
They stood around him and shuffled their feet
Gloating at the pump did they grumble and bleet
While my hero hurried and wasn't aware
That one's body could be one's own and so could its care
And that some living elsewhere think they know
That it brings pleasure to treat it so
—–
It's about the lack of privacy in crowded countries like mine. I wrote this one and more on sonali-delhi.blogspot
5 Responses for "is this poem any good?"
Best Answer – Chosen by Voters Adonis.. who is just living his regular life.. not aware of the fact that people are actually staring at him to make him uncomfortable.. Perfect, you perfectly conveyed the massage which you want to convey.. and right.. we seldom get any place in our country where we can actually enjoy our own company.. so in my view.. poem is good.. keep writing.. (:
I like a tight poem, to a point, but it should be interesting.You rhymed the couplets but didn't use any figurative languageto make the poem interesting in the words before each last word.No alliteration or simile or metaphor or anything.The poem was 11 pair of rhyming words.Well it was more than that, because I got the theme.C+
honestly, its just like rhymed prose…there isn't much poetic about it. i mean, the theme is good, but try more imagery, metaphors, and other literary devices…thse are what make a poem poetry. Source(s): i like to pretend i am a poet sometimes.
I don't like it, I'm not going to lie. you characters emotions only go skin deep, try to express something more that his body, as what makes her fall for him. the word play was good.
THATS AWESOME!!! Rate mine I wrote on Drunk Driving….
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