im trying to be an author when i grow up what do you think of this so far?
Author: admin
14
Mar
Im trying to be an author when i grow up what do you think of this so far?
Chapter 1:
You know those stories that make you go bump in the night well what would you do if you found out those stories were real. I warn you the story your about to hear is not for the weak of heart brace yourself. We are Strigopaths and we can control anything. Strigopaths always need to have their emotions in check or else our magic will over flow causing chaos and destruction. Unfortunately, we have enemies called sydiopaths their just like us except gone wrong really wrong. They use their powers to commit an act against Mother Nature… worse than murder to watch it happen is pure agony I would rather die than see it happen.
We live just like normal people except for the police. Some Strigopaths chose to become police to help keep the sydiopaths in line. No offense to any of our law officials but my friends Liza, Kenny, and I (Sapura) do a way better job of taking care of the hundreds of sydiopaths that want to kill us and all the other ones that threaten our kind than they do with just one.
Are you wondering how a sydiopath can kill a strigopath without using any type of weapon? Well shut up I’m getting to it they suck the souls out through our mouths…yeah somewhat gross. Now I am guessing you want to know why they want to kill us well I’m marked, that means were targets of the sydiopaths were their targets because…
1. We killed there leader omraka (which in your language means pinning light we speak niosuka)
2. Being marked means, you are extremely dangerous to their kind
3. Lucky me (not) I have a scent that draws them in
4. Finally, I have been hand chosen since birth to be the one that will save our people from this looming prophecy that I am supposed to have a vision about when I’m “ready.”
Apparently, the leader had two very powerful followers that swear vengeance upon us and they have even more followers. We are never safe staying in one place so we have to fight them as we go but we can never show our faces in Ara city again because one day… We were awakened by a phone call I listened to the persons cold hatred filled voice. “He’s dead, and the police are coming to kill you like now have fun.” it was Nalla the sydiopath who was the powerful follower of oomraka we packed every little thing we owned and ran. By the time we were outside we finally saw the dead the dead body on our porch his soul was sucked out of his skin the body was so pale it was translucent his eyes were a sea of black the work of the sydiopaths. The police pulled up “you killed him!” they shouted at us we had to use our magic to knock them out so we could teleport out of there an into kachelle city.
Therefore, were now outlaws and running from the law even though were really the good guys this is a lot on your shoulders when you’re only sixteen. Luckily, because of our powers, we can charm people into letting us have free room and an accommodation whenever we want also the fact strigopaths are naturally beautiful doesn’t hurt. Its true Liza has long blonde hair eyes the color of jade and pale skin and on her cheeks a slight pink undertone. Liza’s boyfriend and my friend Kenny has messy
deep brown hair eyes as blue as the ocean and skin very lightly tanned. I had jet-black hair skin lightly tanned an eyes a green so deep they were the color of emeralds. Now that you are up to speed on what has happened so far were moving on to the next chapter in my life.
Chapter 2:
I sat there on the ground thinking of what to do next what our plan would be. Soon Kenny chimed in.
“Honestly this is stupid why we are waiting for them to attack us we need to strike first!”
“Kenny you don’t always need to be so rash! Think about it how can we attack when one we have no idea of their whereabouts. Two they would probably just kill us if we came rushing to battle without a plan. Three we don’t know who to trust because their always controlling somebody, and four they keep sending us fights, dead people at our door, and if that wasn’t bad enough we have no idea whose behind all the murders,” Liza said getting irritated on Kenny’s rash behavior.
“Everyone shut up now! None of this arguing is helping to get our names cleared or helping me prepare for the prophecy.” We sat there and thought about that some more until Liza finally said something.
“Why don’t you use your powers Sapura to infiltrate Nallas mind we could all take turns doing that while someone else takes down what we saw,” said Liza.
“Good idea we’ll start that tomorrow but right now let’s sleep whose going to do the first shift for sydiopath watch?” I said. No one answered so I volunteered for it while Kenny and Liza went to bed.
5 Responses for "im trying to be an author when i grow up what do you think of this so far?"
1. Don't make chapters yet. Write the whole story first. Chapters are made for specific ideas. 2. Punctuation makes the world go round.
3. Do not ever use second person. 4. Characterize, Set the Scene, and Plot before you even begin to write. 5. Do not make any names until you finish characterization. Names can sway their actions. 6. Grammar check. Take a look around the web or read books about writing. They help a lot. It'd be good to work on stuff now. That way, your revision process won't be horrifying. Source(s): Experience
i liked it a ton, you should continue writing and working on your story until the characters are quiet in your brain ( or so my role models say)
it is hard to say because you have a lot of run-on sentences which makes it difficult to understand sometimes. if you're writing an entire book, don't be so rushed to include explanations for everything right from the start. the inability to understand what is going on completely at the beginning will hook readers and keep them reading. also, i can't determine if you are trying to write with a more formal approach or with a conversational tone. if i were you, i would pick one and then stick to it rather than chose something in between.
I'm sorry to burst your bubble but, this is terribly written. Unless you're trying to write like Stephanie Meyers, but at least that book had a slightly compelling plot. How old are you anyways, if you're 12 or thirteen work on you're writing technique, take lots of English classes in high school but if you're older than that, I would say that you probably won't become a writer*also, since this is a fantasy book, try reading others to work on how you explain things, work them in as the story goes on, and also read classic literature like jane austen, charles dickens, J.D. sailinger (he might be eaiser than the other two)
Okay, going to keep this list going as I read it:1) You need more commas or semi colons. Your sentences seem to run on a bit. 2) Don't tell your reader to shut up. If I want to hear that I'll go talk to my brother.
3) Don't make lists in your writing! You have to get the points across in a more eloquent way.4) The idea of "smell draws them in" will probably quickly come under attack by people familiar with Twilight, so be careful with that.5) The idea of someone who is supposedly the "chosen one", like in a prophecy, is a bit overused. You might want to change it somehow.6) Why would the enemy call them to warn them about their impending doom?7) Don't rush at your writing. Take time to explain background, details, description, feelings, that sort of thing. You don't mention at all how your characters feel when they see their dead friend.
Work on connecting your ideas better. Your writing has potential, but at the moment it's a bit scrambled. 9) You used the word "rash" twice, might want to replace one.10) The part when your character says "or help me get prepared for the prophecy", it makes her sound a little snobbish. If you were intending to make her sound that way, cool.11) One of the main points of using first person point of view is to show more of what your character is thinking and feeling. Add more details on how she thinks and feels, and you will improve your writing greatly.There, that pretty much covers it. The idea is sound, but I'd recommend getting a friend or family member to proofread it entirely for grammar mistakes and similar errors. Good luck!
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