beauty healthy happy
15 Mar
How is the first chapter of my story?
February 5th, 2008 – Milton, Ontario
“Steve!” Katelyn called as she ran in a hurry towards her best friend. He was walking with a boy that Katelyn had never seen before. He was fairly short, with pitch black hair and tan skin.
“So are you going to introduce me or what?” Katelyn said with a bright grin on her face, lightly punching Steve’s arm.
“This is Kyle Reed, a friend from my old school, he’s visiting for the holidays” Steve said, stuttering his words as usual. Kyle stared at Katelyn, amazed by her exotic beauty. Pale skin, dark long hair, and big green eyes gave her the look that Kyle had never seen in a girl before. She was different, she was beautiful. Kyle gave her a quick smile, and turned around to continue his conversation with Steve. Katelyn was disappointed by his ignorance and immediately did not like him.
Feeling left out, Katelyn packed a huge ball of snow in her soft mittens and threw it as hard as she could at Steve to get his attention.
“Ow! What the hell?” yelled an unfamiliar voice. Katelyn accidentally hit Kyle right in the face. Steve stood laughing at Katelyn’s horrible aim, while Kyle held a brand new perfectly-round snowball in his hand, ready for revenge. He threw the snowball in a perfect toss. It glided through the air, but Katelyn was too quick for it. She smoothly dodged it, and hid behind Steve.
“Hey! Haven’t you been taught that you’re not supposed to hurt girls?” Katelyn yelled, with a smile on her face.
“I’ve never been taught to not hurt pretty girls” Kyle said smiling back at her.
Katelyn blushed from his compliment, and hid even further behind Steve.
“What are you two doing hanging out with this kid? She’s a whole two years younger than you guys” sounded a voice from behind. It was Jake. He didn’t like Katelyn because he thought of women, especially younger women, to be the slaves of men.
“Who did you just call a kid? Screw off Jake, why don’t you go join some gay club or something” Katelyn said jokingly. She could see rage in Jake’s eyes from the diss that he had just received. As he walked by them, he purposely pushed Katelyn in to the snow.
“Katelyn! Are you okay?” asked Kyle and Steve simultaneously.
“I’m fine!” Katelyn said annoyed. Kyle gave her his hand, and helped her back up. He was astonished at how soft and fragile her small hand was.
“Umm, thanks…” Katelyn said blushing from the feeling of Kyle’s hand over hers. He gave her a smile, and Steve laughed at the sudden spark between the two.
“I have to go home now; it’s getting kind of late. How much longer will you be in town for?” Katelyn asked Kyle with curiosity in her eyes.
“6 more days, I only came for a week” he sadly answered. Katelyn nodded with a smile of compassion.
“Well, I’ll see you later then! Have fun you two, don’t get in to too much trouble” Katelyn exclaimed laughing as she waved to Steve and her new friend.
8 Responses for "How is the first chapter of my story?"
Best Answer – Chosen by Voters Very cliche, if i do say so myself. It might be more interesting once it has begun to progress, but for right now i give it a 5 out of 10.
If you polish the writing some more and remove some of the cliches, then maybe you might have a story worth telling. Good luck.
Wow, thats actually really awesome! Post more soon. If i could say one thing is that you say the characters names too much. Try different ways to make it more interesting.
go to penswithpurpose.webs0o0com! other teens will help you out!
Its pretty good. A bit dull for a first chapter. You might consider using the things that you wrote in the prologue as the first chapter and maybe mixing it together with this. Too much dialogue between the characters without any substance in between tend to turn me right off. I probably wouldnt get past this page of the book, unless there was some story there to build on.
lol i like it alot. it has detail…its quirky, interesting and attention grabbing. you need to add punctuation, though. and dont overindulge in dialogue tags, its gets annoying. over than that, its good to me.
Under normal circumstances, I would usually say that age does not matter, but the subject you are writing about is much to mature for someone whose lifespan does not exceed at least 16. Fourteen year olds tend to dramatize and glamorize subjects like miscarriages (god forbid should this book be about teen pregnancy), alcoholism (please don't let this be about alcoholic parents, it's overdone), and financial issues (during this recession, i still see 14 and younger people toting around their juicy couture bags and getting $60 haircuts) This leads me to believe that pre-teens don't quite understand how serious these circumstances are and how these hardships actually affect people.Also, some technical advice: you're entire passage is just a bunch of quotes haphazardly put together. try some more description.
You have some grammar mistakes, and Katelyn just seems like a Mary-Sue.Sorry to be harsh, but you gotta learn.LESSON ONE IN WRITING BOOKS:Never ever ever ever have a character with green eyes. Sorry, but that immediately makes for a Mary-Sue.Okay, now that THAT'S over . . . When writing, numbers are always spelled out. So seven, instead of 7. In a sentence, the last word and the last quotation mark always have some punctuation between them.So,"Hi, you're cute" I said.should be:"Hi, you're cute," I said.See?Also, even if you don't feel that way and you're just doing it in your book, never diss gays unless you're doing highly controversial, and you aren't.Hope I helped, honey. Source(s): Thirteen-years-old. Young, but my knowledge is considerable.
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