beauty healthy happy
26 Mar
How can i improve this 1st draft? please help, it seems kinda shaky?
“I’m fine Sir, honest.” Avalie Cross said to her master in her usual melancholy tone. “It’s the poor boy I’m worried about- remember Noah’s last leading man? I don’t think anyone knows where he went… last I heard he’d thrown himself into the Abyss”
M1 chuckled, lightly placing a warm hand on Avalie’s leg.
“Ah, the boy’s grown up serving a Cleven. I’m sure Noah will end up being no worse than his late brother.”
“Mmm…”
M1 smiled and looked out of the carriage window at the night-shrouded street outside; he and his servant were on the road to a more than familiar destination- the Cleven household. He’d found himself become more and more entranced by the dark wonders of the extraordinary mansion every time he even thought of the building, the waves of energy enticing his every sense, taunting him further and further in…
M1 had to admit, in all of his life times he’d never seen a building like it. A building with such dark wonders etched into every brick, such magic and mystery burned into its foundations. It was his own little wonderland, his escape. Once upon a time he would have given the world to own such a place.
But after m2 Cleven’s death, he found himself steering away from the building as much as possible. M2 after all had grown up in that house, he knew all the rooms, he’d walked every hall yet he still found himself at the mercy of nothing more than a mere shadows puppet.
How could you do that to yourself, m2? How could you let those nothings break you?
M1 shook his head and closed the carriage curtain, his smile slowly fading. The last thing he needed to think about was m2, it was his fault those ‘nothings’ were actually amounting to a threat. It was his fault he and Avalie were returning to that stained place.
“What’s wrong, Sir?” Avalie asked, hinting on her master’s sudden disturbance. There was once again no feeling in her voice, no concern- it was as if she’d just asked out of sheer habit.
“Nothing.” He said turning to face her, trying to mask a sigh.
Avalie nodded obediently and lowered her head.
If only you could see what we we’ve all be fighting against Avalie, maybe then I’d get some feeling from you, m1 thought. These creatures are beyond even a twisted young girl’s imagination.
M1 sighed as he ran his fingers along the pale bandages that masked his servant’s eyes. Fifteen long years the young girl had worked for him, not only as a servant but as his partner in combat yet only once had he seen those eyes. That was one of the reasons he chose her to become his own Puppet. He just couldn’t say no to a face as innocent as hers.
“Do you think Noah will make the new boy his Puppet?” M1 asked, sliding his hand down to Avalie’s pale ice-cold cheek.
“Maybe… but they’ll never be as strong as us, Sir.”
M1 laughed stiffly. He and Avalie were undoubtedly an unbeatable team. They bore such elegance, such beauty, such raw power. With m1 as their eyes and Avalie as the completely willing sacrifice, they played their roles to perfection. But there was something else that shone with m1 and Avalie, something other Puppet’s and their Master’s didn’t seem to have. There was a spark, a connection greater than any other Puppet and Master. An almost kind of love.
But love is a pretty complex word.
It’s a word that can be used in many contexts.
It’s a word that should never be spoken between a Master and their Puppet.
M1 drew his hand off his Puppet’s ice-cold skin. There was no way Avalie could feel any simple emotion- let alone something as difficult as love.
She was just a doll.
But she was His doll.
“Sir, I think we’re nearly here”
M1 turned his head and drew open the red silk curtains. Moonlight beamed through the window, illuminating the inside of the carriage. M1 was remarkably rich, yet he was so modest about it, only flaunting his money when he needed to. His carriage was plain but dirty, maybe a little lower-class than any other of its time. With the blood-red chairs and the murky windows, it was a surprise that any man would be seen in such transportation.
As soon as he worked out where he was, M1’s eyes lit up, his body jerked up. It was time for a complete character change- a man completely different to who he’d thought he was, a man as mad as the Hatter himself. M1 laughed and threw the top hat from the floor onto his head.
“Oh dear Ava, I believe your right.” As he spoke, his ghostly laugh echoed through the carriage, “It’s time for our grand entrance!”
2 Responses for "How can i improve this 1st draft? please help, it seems kinda shaky?"
Best Answer – Chosen by Voters I have answered the same question that was put by Kelli. Are you the same person and if not how did you manage to write the same thing word for word?
This is really good. If you hadn't stated it, I wouldn't have guessed you are thirteen. You seem to have an astounding grasp of the English language and a great understanding of grammar. Your story makes me want to keep reading. This a fantastic job, and please, keep going with it!
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