Please read this and give me some constructive criticism, i really need it!!!

i'm writing this fanfiction (in the marauders era, so it's with Sirius and the gang) and I have just gone through and revised my main girls atributes

i'll give you a summary and a list of characteristics for the main girl

most helpful answer gets 10 points!!!!
all good answers will get thumbs up

the basic storyline is a girl comes into the school late, it's like the fourth of fifth year, because she was muggle-born into a family that wanted a boy
and were terified that she was a witch(they thought girls were wicked creatures)
anyway, this girl gets a letter every year and accepting her into hogwarts but her parents always said no, this year she convnced them to let her go, they would be rid of her for a whole year
so she goes and talks to
Dumbledore and convinces him to let her come to the school as a boy, because she's totally convinced that everyone would like her better if she were a boy (everyone in her family wished she was a boy so when she was a young girl she decided to dress and act like a boy to please them, or try to please them) also, the only reason Dumbledore let her act as a boy was because 1 all her life it was pounded into her head that she was worthless as a girl and since it was her family saying those things he knew it would be hard to convince her otherwise
2 because the marauders were already full of secrets and he was interested to see what would happen 9he knew they would all get along because they all knew what it was like to have secrets
so she gets put in the dorm with Sirius and the gang and they grudgingly become friends
then one night Sirius and Lupin are going up to the dorms and find the girl changing (they quickly walk out, she doesn't know) afterwords
Sirius kinda "hints" at knowing her secret and sorta taunts her, then he does the whole "gay" thing that he does with Remus, but it's not weird because he knows she is actually a girl
(sorry if this is really confusing)
but eventually they end up together and….this is another blank; again, any suggestions?

okay so this is the girls personality and make-up

physical:
- short, maybe 5ft 3in-ish
- slight build
- brown eyes (i'm still not sure about that)
- shortly cropped hair, basic "boy cut", shiny, a chestnut brown
- either ivory or golden skin tone with a rosey tint
- face shape is undetermined
- small nose
- small mouth
- almond shaped eyes
- dark, long lashes
I want her to have a subtle beauty, so if there's anything you think i should change please say so!!

personality:
- persaveres, she still acts like a boy even though her family treats her the same, works hard in her classes
- agile, learns to play quiditch, probably a chaser
- wants to make people happy (she is pretending to be a guy isn't she)
- never fit in with the girls anyway
- confident at times, but not always
- judges situations logicly before emotionaly
- sweet, in a boyish way
- understanding
- generaly shy, but can be outgoing if the situation arises
- cares about how other feel, but can be blunt at times
- insecure
- doesn't care about looks
- protective of her friends
- doesn't judge
- patient, usually
- trusting, hopeful
- forgiving
- not easily angered
- sarcastic
-easy to talk to
- mischivous
-creative

basicly, i want her to come off as a good person, but also as someone who likes change and enjoys it when things are shaken up

other:
likes-?
dislikes-people that are mean to her friends
loves-her friends, fall, flowers(i'm thinking roses, any other suggestions?), rain
favorite food-?
favorite animal-deer, dog, other?
animal-either an ebony colored owl, or an orange cat
know of additional atributes? please comment!!

partronus:

deer-gentle, caring, and kind
dragonfly-illusion, transcendence
lion-power of feminine energy
porcupine-innocence, companionship, trust
swan-grace, balance, innocence
but which one?

and finally, what should the girl be named?
origionaly, i had chosen the name dominic for the boy name, and dominique for the real name, Dom as the nickname

but i'm just not sure if that fits anymore
i feel like Dominic should be tan, ruggedly hansome, black haired and green eyed but i don't know, i guess it's dominique that i'm mostly against, it just doesn't sound…harry potter-ish enough

ALSO:
Is she too mary-sue? how can i fix it?

please feel free to coment on anything and everything writen here, not only the stuff with question marks or parenthesis, if you think it should be changed please say so!!!!
i really need the input

leave a nickname or a fanfiction user name at the bottom or your comment if you want to be acnowledged when i post the story!!!

if you have any more comments later or want more info please email me at mrsjacobblack2298@yahoo0o0com or hdpandalove