beauty healthy happy
26 Mar
Does anyone think this is a pretty good story with more editing and other stuff?
Gabriel awoke with a start to the sharp smell of smoke and the crackling of flames. A sharp pain exploded in Gabriel’s head, almost causing Gabriel to collapse back down to the ground. A hundred questions raced through his mind but none of them he could answer. His head felt light and with a groan he picked himself up. He looked down Pine Hill and let out a gasp of horror. The village was on fire! Flames leapt from house to house, the fiery tongues dancing up the straw-thatched roofs. Oh, no. This can’t be happening. No! Screams of terror echoed from the village to the hill and Gabriel peered closer. Dark clothed figures wielding wicked swords ran through the village, cutting down the fleeing villagers. Gabriel let out a moan of despair and horror. Then suddenly, a image of his father in the wreckage came to him and Gabriel let out a frightened cry. “Father!” And without thinking of the peril or danger Gabriel dove down the hill. Brambles and thorns tore at his tunic and his face but Gabriel was too propelled by fear and anger that he didn’t feel them as they slashed through his skin. Branches grabbed at his trousers and his hair, as if they were trying to stop him from getting to the village. Gabriel let out an angry cry and tore them away. He raced even faster, the trees blurring as they rushed past. But suddenly something hard hit Gabriel’s legs and with a yelp of surprise he went crashing painfully down the hill. Gabriel’s body felt every bump as he rolled and he grappled desperately for something to hold onto. Rocks and dirt scraped his hand, opening a new set of cuts in his hand. Another bump jarred Gabriel to the left and his shoulder slammed into the rough trunk of the pine tree. His scream of pain was drowned out by roaring wind and suddenly, he came to an erupt halt, slamming into a pile of pine needles that had cushioned his fall. Without hesitating to nurse his wound Gabriel stumbled to his feet and began running the rest of the way to the village. Fire roared all around Gabriel as he entered and the smoke was so thick that you could barely see the houses. The heat scorched Gabriel’s skin and his hair sizzled. “Father,” Gabriel screamed, praying to the gods that his father was alive. “Father-“ Gabriel began, and then stopped. A figure laid near a burning house, a sword in a cold, dead hand. Blood was seeping through his clothes from a hole in his chest. Gabriel fell to his knees, numb all over. It was his father. He had tried to fight back but they had been to strong. A cry of anguish ripped from Gabriel’s mouth and tears began streaming fro
One Response for "Does anyone think this is a pretty good story with more editing and other stuff?"
i like it a lot but in: Then, suddenly, he recalled something his father had said on this very hill to Gabriel.take out the then suddenly. using suddenly in your writing most of the time makes it sound amaturish. so try to stay away from that. but other than that it was good. keep going!
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