beauty healthy happy
26 Mar
Critique me please… Can Anybody Hear?
One soft, the other harsh voice connected together. Although I saw no one, I could feel them close by.
And I heard cries and moans of other children, sounding as if they were coming from halls. That echo sound that lingers on. And long trails from up above hung strings or thread of gold. It's beauty cast it's colors upon my eyes. And I felt drawn to follow the glimmering reflection that seemed to be moving along the path.
My name growing louder and louder as I pursued the gentle glow. The aria kept it's tune. The coldness that surrounded me seemed to signify all that darkness is all about.
And when I turned and looked behind me, there was nothing in it's presence.
It was like a hole and it seemed to be taking in whatever stood in it's view. Moving faster to escape this entity, no soon as a cast in the eye, I was at the bottom of a pit and I saw emeralds encased in the pillars that surrounded the circle above. And above me, ash-red smoke lingered about.
The burning sensation traveled through my feet and I found no comfort. And out of the ground entwined in fire, penetrated in me, cold blood-red eyes. Hurting me still, sucking out my breath. I stood frozen, unable to move as it ordered me down.
The presage was overbearing. Something's wrong, the return glance impossible to explain, everything distorted, the colors all about.
The acid rain fell hard on my skin and I could feel crushed in my chest and I couldn't breathe anymore, and all went silent.
And when I awoke, I watched it crawl into the dome and transformed into a rope. It extended above. I began to levitate, inching closer and closer. And when it encircled my neck and held a strong grip upon me, my life escaping. And I heard chimes ringing about the entanglement.
And once again the air ran smooth.
All the darkness escaped and the light saved us all.
And the cries diminished into laughter and the children were set free.
The halls became empty, and all that was left
was me.
One Response for "critique me please… Can Anybody Hear?"
Best Answer – Chosen by Voters You tend to start many sentences with the word "and.""there was nothing in it's presence. " doesn't make sense. You could say "it's presence was empty." or "it had no presence." Presence implies the perception you have of an entity. Are you implying that you felt nothing from this entity? Are you implying that nothing at all is there?Many of your sentences are worded in a way that make them hard to understand. Even if this was in a freestyle poem, you still want the reader to understand your writing. You want the words to flow off the tongue with ease.Also, try not to use words just because they're big. Use words that actually fit. It's great that you extend your vocabulary, but when you use words inappropriately, it makes it seem as if you don't understand their meaning. Big, useless words can confuse readers and make your work seem dry.Read this out loud to yourself, or have someone read it out loud to you. I think it will help you edit your work.
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