Can someone help me with my story?
Author: admin
15
Mar
Can someone help me with my story?
“Imust see him!” Isaac gasped. “He must know!” He ran through the forest, smothered by the fog. Briars whipped the young man’s legs. He ran straight towards his goal, ignoring the pain of and thorns piercing through his skin. After running for about half a mile or so, he finally came to the edge of the thick forest. Across the valley was the castle. Its marble turrets gleamed alabaster bright atop the grassy mountain.
Isaac knelt on the muddy ground, panting hoarsely. A moment passed before he found the breath he needed to run across the valley, toward the town. The town had various cottages and many towns’ people chatting amongst themselves. The roads were narrow and made of large rocks. Isaac swiftly maneuvered himself through the crowds only brushing against one person, Sir Larry. Larry is the chief guard of road surveillance. His job isn’t much but watching over the citizen making sure everyone is safe on the road. But he takes his job very seriously, just a little too seriously. “I say, did you know you’re in violation of road code 5079?” Larry said. “No horse playing in the road. I might have to take you in.” “I’m sorry I must be going.” Isaac said running off. “Get back here! Guards get that boy!” Larry yelled. Isaac ran past the moving fruit carts slightly bumping them. He continued to run while looking behind him making sure that the guards weren’t to close behind. “Halt in the name of the law!” said the guard as he tried to push through the crowd of people. Isaac continued to run as he came to this empty dark alley. “Halt!” repeated the guard. Isaac's heartbeats were erratic punches in his chest as he stopped to haul in a breath. Isaac swiftly hid behind an abandoned cart hearing the metal of the guards clank as they ran by. “Whew!” Isaac whispered. He was so happy that he was not being chased anymore that he almost forgot why he was running.
He then snuck up to the edge of the corner to make sure the guards were no where around. He then swiftly paced into the street heading toward the narrow bridge that leads to the castle. The bridge is made of gray cinderblock and has moss growing on the sides. As he continues to walk he admires the beauty of the land surrounding the castle. The plains were luscious and green, with exotic yellow and red flowers flowing in the breezes. The moat circling the castle had pure blue water, which glistened in the light like a thousand diamonds. The castle itself was a masterpiece of beauty, with tall walls made of pure white marble and engraved with jewels. It stood at such a great height, that its peak pierced the clouds. However, he soon noticed that he was just a few feet from the lofty brown doors of the castle and the fact that no one has ever entered the castle uninvited and lived rang through his mind. “I just might die if I do this.” Isaac said in fear. He then slowly reached his hand toward the large rusted ring of the castle door and slightly tugged it. When he peek his head into the crack of the door the vast entrance hall of the castle to his surprise was unprotected. He opened the door slowly and entered. His fear was wiped away by the beauty of the entrance hall. The tiles of the floor were purple and the walls had a gold color. The ceiling was high and had a heroic painting of the king standing over a fallen enemy. This picture brought hope to Isaac’s heart. Still curiously looking around he saw that the only things that light the hall was the fire torches that hung against the gold colored columns.
2 Responses for "Can someone help me with my story?"
Best Answer – Chosen by Voters It needs to slow down a bit and there needs to be paragraphs! Also, some of what you wrote sounds just awkward and rushed. You should have one paragraph describing him running through the forest, the second describing him seeing the castle, third describing the town he had to run through, and so on. Make sure to use good transition words.You chose very descriptive words and that's good and all, but you need more than that to make a good story.GOOD LUCKS!
This excerpt sounds like it's in transition. At times, I feel like it has the forced quality of mandatory middle school assignments. For example, you need to pay attention to your verb tenses. Either narrate the story in past tense or present tense. I know that some authors like to mix up tenses, but there are good, tasteful ways to do that, and your jumble of past-and-present, I'm afraid, is not one of them. Also, it's really irking when you introduce characters so directly. Take this passage:"Larry is the chief guard of road surveillance. His job isn’t much but watching over the citizen making sure everyone is safe on the road. But he takes his job very seriously, just a little too seriously."Listing all the qualities of a character is definitely NOT a good way to develop his or her personality. We don't want to read a resume. We want to read a story! I know this analogy is a bit incongruous, but think of a movie…let's say Harry Potter: Does Harry straight out confess, "I have a hero complex"? Do any of his friends directly accuse him of having a hero complex? No. In books, it doesn't have to be so subtle. I mean, you could say "Larry WAS the chief guard of road surveillance," and I wouldn't bite your head off or anything. But that's enough. Isaac urgently, I repeat: URGENTLY, needs to see the king, yet the narration stops to tell the readers about Larry? It's unnecessary, and we can infer that he takes his job very seriously from the next couple of paragraphs. Okay…long rant about three sentences, haha… My point is: you don't need so much inserted description. Be careful with it; too much flour will ruin your cake. But I did say your writing seemed to be in transition. While you have a few rough places (and this is probably just your first draft, anyway), other places are meticulous and fine-tuned. You used a little too much passive tense for a scene that I'm assuming was supposed to be active and intense, but I really liked the line "Isaac's heartbeats were erratic punches in his chest". Good luck with your writing endeavors!On a side note…you depict the world of an epic adventure, with castles and kings and guards, yet you have Isaac say "Whew!". Whoa! Is Isaac a teenager from another time period or what? Lol…the "Whew" just bothered me a little. Source(s): Am an average writer, but a monster reader
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