beauty healthy happy
26 Mar
Can someone give me some feedback on my writting please?!?
So many people, their voices speaking over each other until no sound around me was comprehensible to the point of audio-chaos. My body became anxious and my blood began to boil under my skin, I could feel my face getting red hot with the tension and the back of my neck start to sweat. But before I was completely coerced into a state of panic I felt cold muggy hand barley touch my forearm with an odd sort of grace from behind, as I turned my breath came short realizing it was Skylar. Her face had shifted in an instant it seemed, her skin became a pasty vanilla color of ill, her eyes glazed but terrorized at the same moment, she was unrecognizable. I pivoted around so quickly on my right leg I didn’t even notice I had moved. She didn’t blink; I held my mouth agape in speechlessness and utter shock. Skylar reached her trembling hand toward me again, I don’t know why I didn’t react, take her hand, say her name, all I could do was stare at her like I was staring at a dying angel.
A swell pierced my throat as she tried to grip my arm, but failing the minuet she curved her bloody carved knuckles around my dirty pale wrist. She looked at me directly in my eyes as if I were the only person in the world, my mind quickly flashed to the moments and memories in my life where this was the only thing I had ever wished of her, but romance was far and dismally away from this place, this gaze was a sharp look of nothing but trust and a burning need for help. The moment quickly changed as her fragile looking body began to heave deeply from within her breast. Instantly her knees toppled and her body tumbled into a sick lifeless drop to the ground, a jolt of adrenaline surged throughout my whole corpse and caught her in the midst of her plummet to the cold earth. I lifted her head and held her like a sleeping child, bending my knees forward and back trying to find balance in the chaos as I picked her up.
No one seemed to notice at all what had just happened, I switched my head around looking for someone to help, how could no one see?! I could feel my arms begin to jitter involuntarily under the backs of her knees and shoulders. I looked down at her face, it was inhumanly calm and soft, her eye lids were sealed so gently and the tired swollen caves under her eyes had a beauty of their own. For so long I had craved to see her, but my wish had come with an atrocious lug .A hot meek breeze fluttered at the dark hairs that had fallen onto her docile face as her pink lips parted but hardly with a resound liquid tick. At that moment her hideous beauty had distracted me from the bedlam that surrounded us, in the awkward position that I held her the weight of her head slipped from my shoulder and slopped facing the ground head dangling in a stomach-turning way, between the open crease created by her lips began to stream a thick dark line of red blood draining onto the ground and my torn shoes. My arms and legs became parlayed as I gaped at the sight, while my mouth let out one short and quiet wail of pure raw terror.
3 Responses for "Can someone give me some feedback on my writting please?!?"
Best Answer – Chosen by Voters Awesome!! Your absolutely wonderful at writing! This is great! Love the description and vocabulary! I gasped when I saw the word chaos because that is my favorite word! Ha! I have one question, will you put dialogue in it? I'm just asking, but you don't have to!I helped you, PLEASE help me!! Source(s): I'm a writier too! :]]
I only read the first paragraph because I believe that I can have a sufficient amount of information as to whether you are a good writer or not
.There should be a 'were' between 'voices' and 'speaking'. You sound a little like a thesaurus, don't try so hard to find the 'right' word. It's really slow and boring, you need to spice it up and not explain every little thing in so much detail. You swap from past to present tense, which is confusing and annoying.Overall, this was so boring, it just explained every little detail much more than it needed to. It needs spicing up and some editing.
This is an excerpt from one section of your story right? Because the beggining was somewhat weird for me… but other than that it was fine.Good job.
Leave a reply