(Help me revise this. I am giving a sermon soon and I need to make sure all of your confusion is covered.)

You see, God is like a foreman of a large lumber yard. When he needed workers in his lumber garden he created Adam to lift logs and Eve to help feed the wood into the machine. Now, Adam and Eve were briefed on all the dangerous areas in the factory and they were told never to stick their arm in the saw or it would be cut off.

But, Adam and Eve were terribly stupid. After 10,000,000 years of working non-stop in the lumber yard with a perfect safety record, Eve bumped Adam into one of the many saws that didn’t have a safety cover. (God didn’t want safety covers because he felt it wasn’t his responsibility to safety proof the one thing he didn’t want them to do.) And because of Adam’s mishap all of his children are forced to work in sweat camps. Makes sense, right? We wouldn’t hold a foreman responsible for workplace safety, why would we hold God responsible?

It may seem strange that God didn’t cover the tree with some sort of safety device, but he did this for a reason: he wanted to test them. How else was an all knowing god supposed to know if his creation truly loved him if he didn’t test them?

For Adam’s sin, God installed sin into the 17th chromosome in our DNA which turned our skin from a foamy material into flesh, for all flesh is sinful. However, Mary, was born without sin or flesh because of a random and isolated mutation. That is why she was made of foam. We continue to sin because of our flesh that God has given us out of love.

But soon God realized that Hell was backed up with people and nobody had entered heaven yet. He had to figure out a way to get people into Heaven. That’s when he realized that he made all the rules and he decided to send a beep-it-bop-it to everyone on Earth and if they scored over 99 he would let them into heaven. He soon abandoned this idea in favor of sending his son, who was really himself (and yes that makes sense) down to earth to be murdered. Not all Christians are sure if that took care of every ones sins, just the believers, or if it did anything at all, but we’re pretty sure it was an awesome idea.

The reason we have to go through this life living in our sin-flesh is yet another test from our loving Father. See, he already knew if we were going to sin and go to hell before we were even born. He was originally just going to send people straight to hell before he made them, but he felt that making stupid creatures learn this way and still go to hell was a lot more interesting than making super intelligent creatures who didn’t need to learn anything.

-Go Jesus!

(-Dada Atheism)