Undecided Question

Am I selfish or depressed?

My mom was committed to a mental Hospital last friday February 19th, 2010. She had been going to therapy sessions previously. She was diagnosed with TN (Trigerminal Neuralgia) which is supposed to be the most painful condition known to humans. The nerves send out pain signals throughout the face and the pain they suffer under is crushingly excruciating. She had told us she thought about suicide, about killing herself, but that she would never do it when she has her beautiful daughters here for her. If we were dead, she would say she would not live in this world. She committed herself because she felt that her thoughts were getting to dark and to powerful to control. This transition has been very hard on all of us. We all are crying, we visit everyday, but today was the day when her beautiful girls weren't enough. She told me she wanted to die. And if she could she would kill herself because we would be better off without her dragging us down.

I have had my own suicidal thoughts myself. I've just always been to chicken to ever do it. Driving home in the rain after my mother's confession I really didn't care if my car swerved out of control. I even contemplated running into someone. I've had a cutting problem for over a year and have also been struggling with eating. I don't eat and when I do I try to make myself throw-up. I'm not underweight, but have been doing this for a year as well. I feel selfish for feeling this way and having these thoughts. My mother is in so much pain and it makes me even sadder. I feel so lost and guilty because I have not been a good daughter. I used to say such horrible things to her, and now I can never take those back. The words will always be there, carved into both of our skins. I hate the person I see in the mirror everyday. There's an ugly person staring back at me and for the life of me I wish she would die so no one else had to deal with her. My life is falling apart around me and this is making me realize how much I am failing to do anything to help her or myself.

Are these feelings here because I want attention? Do I need attention now that my mom is hospitalized? Am I being selfish? Or is this just a big emotional burst I am feeling from the suddenness of my mother's confession? I dare not say anything to my family. My mom is more than enough suffering to inflict on them. We just want her to get better. We want her to not feel ugly. And I don't know if I should seek help. Am I just attention driven. Reading this post I feel more and more self centered, because this entire message is a "look at me" message. What should I do? Can anyone explain to me what this is?